Kindness Part II

Part I

She died on my shift. It was exactly thirty days when we admitted her. She went away peacefully and swiftly. She went away when I was holding her hand. Her daughters were away at that time, and I knew someone had to be there and hold her. 

I was calm while I watched the ECG line go flat. But when I went out of her room, that’s when it hit me that I was affected with my patient’s death. I cared for her in that thirty days she was with us. I got to know her story. I got to know her family. She grew on me. So it broke my heart and I couldn’t help it when I just felt so sad and relieved at the same time, that her fight’s now over. That now, she will be in peace. 

A couple of days after, her daughters arrived in the ICU. Upon seeing us, they started hugging us one by one. And they brought some gifts for us nurses who cared for their mother. We tried refusing as it is against policy to accept gifts, but those women were pretty persuasive with their kindness. (They took that from their mom.) It was to them a small gift to repay us for all those times we stayed with their Mom and held vigil with them during the difficult times. 

I was so happy at that moment. Not because of the material gifts. But because it made me feel that we did something right. Yes, we lost a patient, but we did gain her family’s love and trust. We did something right, after all. And I know this might sound cheesy, but I know that those gifts came from heaven. It came from her. Because God has finally decided to give her a pair of wings, and blessed us with those gifts. 

To you who left us that night, you’re kindness is the legacy that you leave behind. And it will never be forgotten. We will never forget your story. Thank you for sharing the journey. 

<3

Rethinking

It’s been a month since the hospital opened. That means that I am now a month-old ICU nurse. Yay. Haha. I survived the last month. It’s a small achievement for me because those 30 days was like a game of obstacle relay. It was one problem after another. Critically ill patients with understaffed nurses. Doctors who expect and demand too much. It was like playing tug-of-war every day. I even felt like I was playing against Death. Me, our medicines and technologies, against Death with the comatose patient in between who can’t seem to decide if she wants to live or to die. 

It was hard. It still is hard. I cried twice to my Mom because it was too pressuring/depressing/stressful. That’s saying something because I’m the kind of person who never ever cries in front of her mother. HAHA. (But thank God for those episodes because it made my mom see me as a person who feels and not just someone who is always calm and collected.) 

All these things, they’re making me rethink if this is really what I want. All those years in nursing school and while on the training, I dreamed of becoming an ICU nurse. I prepared to be an ICU nurse. But now, all of that’s hanging in midair. When I am in the area, I’m alright. I do love thinking on my feet. But I don’t like death being too near me while I do my nurse-y stuff. When I’m there, it feels like I’m so high on caffeine and won’t run out of energy. But the moment when I get home, that’s the time it hits me. I always fall so fast asleep these days. 

I don’t know, but is this just me? Or has anyone been like this before?

Do I need some shift in my career? Am I on the right track? 

I have all these questions right now. *sigh* I hope someone has an answer for me. Or if not, I hope I’ll find it one way or another. 

My blessings related to work

• I love my work.
• I have a work that keeps me away from thinking about being lonely.
• I have a family that understands the demands of my job.
• I have a job that even though is straining, is very fulfilling.
• I have a job that challenges me to be better and keep on learning. :)

(Source: emmbraced)

Kindness

I’m going to tell you a story about one of my patients. 

I already told you about her briefly in another post. The more days I spend by her side, the more I learn about her. 

By day, she has the most visitors. From family, to office friends and from the community in her church. By night, her daughters never tire in atching vigil over her. In fact, they even went home from a thousand miles upon learning about their mother’s condition.

The love that I see showered onto her amazes me. Because of this, I make it a point to ask her visitors during my shift who was she for them. For her daughters, they tell me that she’s one of a kind, incomparable even. To her officemates and fellow churchgoers, a common answer would be that she was the nicest woman they have known. It’s not just because she attends the Mass every day, but it’s because she’s humble, and her kindness is not only in word, but in deed. She tries to help anyone who is in need, they say. 

When I heard all this, a shiver ran up on my spine. It’s just amazing to watch how all her kindness is now coming back to her through prayers storming the heavens for her recovery. 

I talked to her youngest daughter today when she visited, and she said some inspiring words. She said that her mother was pretty close to God. And she understands, that sometimes, the closer you are to God, the more life gives you tests and trials to overcome. She said, that maybe whatever her mother was going through today, is an evidence of how close she is to God, because these tests are pretty big,too. But it’s also a testament on how much God loves her, and how much she is loved in her community. How she survived the stroke, the craniectomy that followed, and how she shows signs of improvement today with her now able to open her eyes spontaneously and move her extremities purposefully. 

*goosebumps*

I’m sharing this story because it inspires me to serve this woman more. To hope more for her. Because honestly, we need more people like her in this planet. And because it tells me how far kindness and faith can go. Further than any worldly accomplishments, it’s her kind and humble heart that is her living legacy. It goes further and stronger than I have ever imagined. I’m blessed to care for her. I’m blessed to know her story. <3 

(Source: emmbraced)

Don’t give up because people say negative things about you. Use it instead as fuel to make you better. Remember: nobody’s perfect. We’re all just a work in progress! :)

(Source: emmbraced)